


Odds Are Stupid, I'm God Now

by okemmelie



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: F/M, Spin the Bottle, starkid writes discord
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22799314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okemmelie/pseuds/okemmelie
Summary: Paul likes Emma. He doesn't do anything about it. Emma likes Paul. She doesn't do anything about it. Ted is sick of them. He does something about it.
Relationships: Emma Perkins & Ted, Paul Matthews & Ted, Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins
Comments: 22
Kudos: 62





	Odds Are Stupid, I'm God Now

**Author's Note:**

> if anyone knows how to come up with titles please let me know because i've given up. anyway, theme of the week is "spin the bottle" and this came to me at 130 am so please enjoy

Now, Ted didn’t usually mind hanging out with Paul. Yeah, he was a little boring and predictable, sure, but boring and predictable was far better than being all alone. And at least it was kind of entertaining to see him try to navigate life.

But then Paul meets Emma and he becomes even more boring and even more predictable. The occasional trip to Beanie’s becomes a daily thing and whenever Ted goes with him, he has to sit there and accept that Paul isn’t the slightest interested in what he did this weekend: He’s only there to awkwardly attempt flirting with Emma in the strangest way Ted has ever seen anyone flirt.

From downing super,  _ super  _ hot coffee in one go right in front of her, to tipping far more than anyone should way more consistently than anyone should especially for what is  _ at best _ a mediocre job, to talking about how he does not like musicals.

Okay, maybe that last one is not flirting, because Ted’s pretty sure Paul’s had that conversation with every single person he’s met, but he still doesn’t think it’s a good way to pick up girls! Especially not girls who work in a singing fucking coffee shop.

Paul talks about Emma at the office and when they hang out after work and sometimes, he’ll even talk about her when they’re walking to Beanie’s to get coffee so he can see her and it’s sickening. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he just got his shit together and asked her out. But he doesn’t! And Ted hates it.

He hates it so much, in fact, that while the two of them awkwardly lead conversation in the front of the coffee shop and don’t make any moves, he gets busy hooking up with one of Emma’s coworkers who he still has no idea what’s called in the backroom because  _ he  _ knows how to make a move (unlike  _ some  _ people, Paul Matthews).

The inevitable happens. He spends so much time in Beanie’s that Emma starts recognizing his existence outside of just being ‘Paul’s shitty friend who keeps making stupid comments whenever Paul says anything’ and they actually start hanging out, because sure, Ted’s a bit of an asshole whenever Paul’s there, but he also shows up at strange hours where no one else is around and they fall into conversation becuase of course they do. They both know Paul and they both seem to care about him and it’s five in the morning, so what else could they possibly do?

Emma’s not  _ that  _ bad. Ted still thinks she’s awful but that’s only because Paul talks too much about her and because there, in Ted’s humble and very correct opinion, are hotter baristas out there in the world: Hell, there’s even hotter baristas at Beanie’s and Paul could do so much better. But Emma’s  _ alright _ because his friend likes her and because she actually manages to keep up with him and his stupidity. He can appreciate that.

But then Ted showing up at five in the morning when she opens becomes a regular thing and she starts thinking they’re friends too (which, in her defense, makes sense considering how often they talk and what they talk about but whatever, she’s a nerd).

And so she starts talking to him. About Paul. About fucking Paul! As if it wasn’t awful enough to hear  _ him  _ talking about  _ her _ , now he also has to suffer through the same thing but the other way around. He regrets ever making friends, but he doesn’t do anything to change it outside of maybe calling both of them idiots once or twice too many.

“Paul’s kind of charming, but like in an awkward dorky kind of way.”

“Okay Emma.”

“Like, I don’t know…. he’s a dumbass, that’s for sure, but it’s kind of cute, don’t you think?”

“Okay Emma.”

“It’s just… he’s so sweet and caring, but he’s also a fucking doofus. How does a doofus manage to be attractive to me? I don’t get it.”

“Okay Emma.”

It goes on for far, far longer than Ted thinks it legally should be allowed to. He doesn’t like getting involved in other people’s love lives like this, but he’s growing increasingly annoyed with how much they talk about each other and how oblivious they seem to each others’ attempts at affection.

So he does what any sane person would do: He invites them over for dinner and drinks and once they’ve had a bottle of white, he sits them down on his kitchen floor and places the empty bottle between them. “We’re playing spin the bottle.”

Emma opens her mouth to complain but then she looks towards Paul and seems to realize that there’s a pretty good chance she’ll get to kiss him if this happens, so she closes it again.

And Paul looks concerned and confused, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe he, too, realizes that this means he’ll get to kiss Emma because he doesn’t complain and Ted feels confident in his plan.

“You,” he points at Emma. “You go first.”

She quickly nods and reaches out to spin the bottle. It lands… on Ted. It’s not what he wants. In fact, he thinks his life would be much better if he avoided this happening, but a game is a game and he shrugs and leans in to kiss Emma. It’s a very short kiss, in fact it’s not more than a peck, and both of them politely pretends to be grossed out by the act.

Then he spins the bottle. It lands on Emma again and like… what the fuck? But whatever, they kiss, she spins, it lands on him again, they kiss, he spins, it lands on Paul, they kiss, Paul spins, it lands on Ted, they kiss, Ted spins, it lands on Paul, they kiss. It goes on for a while. For too long. He kisses Paul, then he kisses Emma, then he kisses Emma, then he kisses Emma, then he kisses Emma, then he kisses Paul and then Paul spins the bottle and it lands on Ted and Ted regrets every single decision he’s made leading up to this.

Instead of kissing Paul, he just shakes his head and takes the bottle in his hand to assist it. He turns it so instead of pointing to him, it’s pointing at Emma. Then he gets up from the floor. He points at both of them and gives them a stern look. “Get your shit together.”

And with that, he’s out of the kitchen. Because yeah, he wants them to kiss and to figure out what’s going on between them, he wants them to be happy, all that, but he doesn’t want to fucking watch it.


End file.
